


angel within

by numbika



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adam - Freeform, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer - Freeform, Mentioned Characters, Michael - Freeform, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25382830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/numbika/pseuds/numbika
Summary: Sam pressed his alarm before it could make a sound then stretched out on the bed. He looked at the ceiling for long minutes, wondering how much of it was a dream or how real it was. However, as he pushed himself into a sitting position, for a moment he felt the two wings on his back, before the feeling disappeared.
Relationships: Gadreel & Sam Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	angel within

Under Sam's feet a branch cracked, his body reacted to the sound by instinctively speeding up. He didn't watch his steps, the world around him seemed unnaturally sharp and blurry at the same time. He almost lost his balance while running.

The sounds were getting closer and closer no matter how fast he ran. Lights were scanning through the forest.

He had to stop for a second, and listen, to hear anything else besides his breathing, and his heart drumming in his ear.

"Dean! Bobby!"

He got no answer when he cried out despite the fact that he was sure they were just beside him not too long ago.

"Dean!!!" Sam barely heard his own voice from his panting. The beam of a flashlight passed over him, and for a moment blood froze in his veins. _They found me!_

He started to run again, but he didn't know where he was heading, the only thing he was sure if they catch him, he will die in this forest. He waded through a tall bush and almost ran into a motel room's wall.

To his surprise, his breathing became steady in an instant, and the feeling of being chased disappeared in an instant. His thoughts, on the other hand, started to race faster and faster. The realization came as a cold shower.

This… _again_. A dream of being pursued, but a moment later everything changes.

He glanced around in the room. The space reminded him of a place where they had been not too long ago. The case with werewolf. Yes, they were here. As he turned his gaze toward the small table, he noticed two bottles of unopened beer. Everything was just like a few days ago.

The lights shifted outside the window. Clearly, Sam was not alone.

"Who is it?" He swallowed nervously and his heart started to pound faster again. His first thought was that it was Lucifer. He was the first one to unexpectedly appear in his dreams. But he couldn't be. He couldn't be here, that damned monster is still down there with Michael. Adam's face appeared before his eyes and the sudden rush of guilt almost choked him.

Something moved again in front of the window and there was a knock on the door. Sam turned his head towards it, then he picked up one of the beer bottles and turned it over in his hands. At least he had some kind of weapon now.

The knocking repeated and he held his breath.

"Don't open it."

Sam spun around, ready to defend himself. There was a single figure with him. He wore simple clothes, and if someone seen him for just a glimpse one would think that he was a human. Only, his eyes were glowing.

"Who the hell are you? And what do you want from me?"

"Don't open that door, Sam." The creature had to struggle to force out every word. "There are things that want to get into your head. They are not from you, and it would be better to let them be locked away. I'm sorry, but from now on I will need your strength too."

Sam raised the bottle towards the figure. "Are you an angel?"

The man watched him for a moment, then slowly nodded.

"I'll explain everything, but you need to help me."

The banging noise on the door became louder and louder, the angels winced in pain for a moment.

"What are those things?"

"Memories, yours when you were locked up with my brothers. And mine when...when I was imprisoned, in somewhere else."

After another loud thud, a crack ran through the door.

"Please, Sam, I want to help."

Sam looked at the door in confusion then back towards the angel. Black smoke began to seep into the room through the crack, it carried a sharp evil laugh with it. Cold ran through his body and he instinctively felt the truth of the angel's words.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Make the door disappear Think of anything that gives you strength." The angel leaned against the wall, panting, and closed his eyes, "look for something that make you feel safe."

"That wasn’t much of a help." Sam stepped back from the loud thuds impacting the door.

He closed his eyes and began to concentrate. He recalled memories, trying so hard to recollect every small positive memory, that the beer bottle cracked in his grip. The sounds outside rose for a moment, he was sure something calling his name, but he didn't want to think who or what it was. There are indeed things that are better remain buried.

When he opened his eyes the motel room disappeared, and he was sitting on a bench.

"All right, nice work Sam." The angel sat dawn not far from him into the grass, still breathing heavily.

"Wonderful. Then now maybe you can tell me who the hell are you, and what the hell you want? After that then you can get the hell out of my head."

The angel shook his head slightly.

"I'm sorry, but unfortunately it's a bit more complicated than you would think." He looked up at him. "I know you don't believe me when I say it, but I don't mean any harm to you."

"You're right, I don't believe you."

"But…" the angel rubbed his face into his hands. Nothing happened as it should have. He felt weak, he felt himself wrong, unable to do anything he was supposed to do. He should have healed Sam, should have taken care of him as he promised, but instead he was the one who needed help now. _How pathetic_. And now he had to explain everything. He glanced at the young Winchester and knew he wouldn't be able to lie here. He owned him with that.

"My name is Gadreel."

Sam slowly blew out a breath, so he could ease some of his tension. "Okay…Gadreel. What do you want from me?"

"Technically, nothing. Your brother asked me to help you."

"Dean?" Sam was unsure for a moment. It didn't really make much sense, but for some reason he felt that the angel was telling the truth.

Gadreel nodded.

"Why would my brother ally himself with another angel when we have Cas?"

"Because Castiel lost his grace, thanks to Metatron. And you...you wanted to make that decision," the angel rubbed his forehead, there wasn't a good way to explain those memories. "...your body was in a very bad condition. And Dean asked me for help."

Silence descended on the land around them, a fragile one, ready to crack.

Gadreel glanced away from him and nodded a little. Sam followed his gaze and a forest with a muddy path solidified out of air. It leaded to a small wooden house. Sam felt his stomach drop and something tighten in his throat as buried memories clawed themselves up with renewed force.

"I…" for a moment everything faded around them.

"Sam..." Gadreel was on his feet, but he couldn’t convince himself to step closer.

"I...I was ready to move on! To finally end everything!" Standing up he took a few steps towards the wooden house, then stopped. He felt his legs becoming weak. This can't be right. The memory, like a flower, opened a new petal and where was emptiness before now anger blossomed "And Dean dared to stop me, pull me back into this whole mess, just because he didn't want to be alone! Because alone he is unable to fight! He just..." The wooden house burst into flames.

Gadreel watched silently as the human raged.

"Actually," A dry laugh burst out from Sam. "Actually, it doesn't even surprise me! I mean, he could always find new reasons to do his family bullshit!" His laugh felt more and more painful. "I wanted to die! And he couldn't let me! He did not care about my decision! He only cared…he only…"

"I know." The angel finally stepped closer to him.

The sky darkened over them, and voices filtered through the clouds.

Sam closed his eyes for a few moments and only opened it when a lighting flashed over the sky. The angel could not do anything to imprison his own memories again.

"Sam." Gadreel shuddered with exhaustion and grabbed his head with his hand. "Stop it."

"So we are in a similar situation, aren't we?"

"Yes, but I would have told you without looking into my head."

"Now we're even" there was a pang of guilt in the Winchester's words. "So I'm your charger. You heal me, I heal you. And that's where the nightmares are coming from, right?"

Gadreel felt helpless and just nodded.

A lightning struck the ground not far from him, the angels body twitched as if he was stuck himself. 

"But if I want to I can expel you." He started walking purposefully towards the angel, who had more and more difficulty to stay on his feet. Behind Sam's steps the grass was scorched, and the earth became as black as the void. In the sky lighting flashed again and again. "If I really want, I can throw you out of my body anytime and then there will be nothing to hold me back!"

Gadreel fell on his knees, his hands gripping the grass. "Stop…" He was too weak to fight. He was too hurt to put up any kind of resistance. For a moment he heard Thaddeus's voice getting out of the clouds.

_'Poor, poor Gadreel, unable to do anything well. You just had to look out for one thing, but instead the ruin of this whole world rest on your soul. At least let me help you alleviate the burden a bit, those wings look very heavy. '_

_'No…'_

_'Shh, I promise, I'll try my best to get the hang of it fast enough. But I think both of us know we'll be here for a long time. '_

Sam took another step and, for a few moments, kept his eyes on the struggling angel, inside the cage of lighting storm.

"Sam... what do you think will happen…" Gadreel choked on his words but gathered the last of his strength to continue speaking. "What do you think, will happen to you would to you when you die? You know for a fact that even if you could go up to heaven, which is closed..." the angel looked at him with empty eyes. The glow they previously held was nowhere to be found now, "…the angels would never leave you alone. I saw your memories, I saw Adam!"

The angel took a second to gather his energy and then forced himself to continue.

"And if Abbadon get her hands on your soul after you die…Because she will know right away that you are dead. What do you expect to experience in hell? I know you are angry. Believe me, I know! But for now, Earth is the safest place where you can be."

Sam looked behind the angel where he could see the imprint of the angel's wings in the grass. The individual blades of grass were blackened and withered around it. Gadreel's words reached him, but other voices also began to creep into his head. The clouds intertwined into an impenetrable cover and landscape began melting around them. The voices came from everywhere, but none of them was his.

_'Come on, Sammy, you just have to do what I said.'_

_'Please Sam…'_

_'You have to make him scream a little bit and then you can rest.' Lucifer's voice swirled darkly in his mind. 'Just a little…'_

_'Sam...' The words were hardly understandable._

_'Do what my brother says.' The other archangel commanded._

_'No…please no.'_

_'You heard my brother.'_

_Through Lucifer's eyes he could saw Adam as his life was barely blinking in his body. The archangels stomped him almost to nothing, but the pain became more and more unbearable. Every part of his body was burning but the source of fire was inside, somewhere in his soul. He felt like needles were showed under the skin of his arms, like his internal organs were wandering around inside his body causing previously unknown pain. Still however, the worst of it were the thoughts inside his head. If he remembered Dean, Bobby, or anyone he'd ever loved, Lucifer was there, waiting for him, and twisted the memories into nightmares._

_'Do it!'_

_Sam looked, mesmerized, at his hand which rose. Just a little, a little bit to relieve the pain…_

_Adam whined in front of him._

_'No.'_

_'If you do, we stop the pain for a whole.' Michael's emotionless voice echoed in his head._

_'I beg you, Sam!' He hardly even heard Adams sobbing._

_He saw Lucifer's satisfied smile inside his own skull._

_Sam's fingers snapped._

"Sam…" Gadreel lowered his head powerlessly "…I am begging you..."

The young Winchester looked down at his hand, which was already ready to snap. Grabbing his hair, he looked around. The darkness settled on everything, the only light remaining was the occasional flash of lighting, and the smoldering of singed glass.

For a second, he could see a grinning Lucifer from the corner of his eye, but when he snapped his head towards it disappeared.

_No, that is not right. I cannot do that. Never again, no._

He shut his eyes tightly and concentrated on his breathing.

_Never again._

The flashes of lighting faded out and quieted down, the clouds, the burned grass and the remnants of buried memories were blown away by the waking wind. When Sam opened his eyes, he was in a different place once again. Gadreel was already in a bed while he was sitting on a chair.

Bobby's house, he remembered it clearly.

The angel blinked in surprise from under the blanket.

"I'm sorry... I think I was just..." there was something guilty in Sam's voice.

"It's okay." Gadreel looked at him a bit surprised, then glanced around the room. "You were angry, I understand. I've got used to such reactions."

"I'm sorry. I still shouldn’t have done this. I should have never let this happen."

The angel sat up in the bed. "Both of us have made mistakes," he leaned forward under the weight of his barely visible wings. "But mostly I did."

Sam leaned on his legs with his elbows.

" _Now_ we're even, Gadreel. You've seen my memories, and I've seen a part of yours...but I think some of your experiences were almost the same as mine."

The angel shook his head as if it no longer mattered. "What do you want to do now?"

"I haven't figured it out yet. Bu you don't have to worry about me kicking you out anytime soon."

They sighed tiredly at the same time.

"Thanks."

Sam nodded looking down at his hands. "But now we have to find out what to do next, Gadreel."

"Do you want to tell Dean?"

"No, not yet. Now I have to think a little bit about things, and you have to heal. So, lie down for now, and I'll taking care of my body," Sam looked at the angel. "Our bodies."

Gadreel fell back on the bed and closed his eyes. "Thank you, Sam. You are a really good person, but you have to wake up soon. I feel it's close to the breaking of the day."

"Yeah. Thanks, and good night or something. Don't force yourself too much, angel."

Sam pressed his alarm before it could make a sound then stretched out on the bed. He looked at the ceiling for long minutes, wondering how much of it was a dream or how real it was. However, as he pushed himself into a sitting position, for a moment he felt the two wings on his back, before the feeling disappeared.

Someone knocked on the door and then Dean yelled in. "Wake up Sammy, Kevin has found something, and the food gets cold!"

Sam glanced silently at the door. After dressing up he got out but stopped in front of the mirror in the room.

The mirror image looked back at him in the same way it did yesterday, as if nothing had happened. He glanced at his trembling hand.

_Never again._


End file.
